Just Like Puppets
by Angelic Guardian
Summary: When a hypnotist comes to South Park Elementary, Cartman and Kyle finally seem to agree on something. That is, hypnotism is ridiculous, and it obviously doesn't really work. Well, they're both in for a surprise. Oneshot.


Author's Note: The story behind this fic is that a hypnotist came to perform at my college freshmen orientation, and I'm not even exaggerating, it was the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. I literally could not stop laughing the entire time. And I was one of those people who thought that hypnotism was just bullshit, but now, well…you'd have to see it yourself to believe it, I guess.

So…yeah…I just felt that Cartman and Kyle would be perfect for something like that. XD

Hopefully this story turned out well, since this is my first attempt at Cartman/Kyle slash. I'd appreciate it if you'd leave a review after you've finished reading it. :)

Disclaimer: Trey Parker and Matt Stone own South Park, not me.

* * *

"M'kay, settle down now, students, m'kay!" Mr. Mackey tried to speak over the noisy mass of roughly 300 students, all of whom were crammed in the school's auditorium. He brought the microphone closer to his mouth. "M'kay, may I have your attention, please?" he pleaded with all of the kids, who continued to ignore him and went on talking with their friends.

"HEY!" Mr. Garrison angrily shot up from his seat and turned around to face the disobedient children. "Shut up, you little bastards!" He remained standing for a few more seconds as everyone began hushing each other until the entire room fell completely silent. He stared with rage in his eyes, making sure that no one dared to even try to whisper to somebody. He slowly turned his back to the kids and sat down again with a pleased smile.

Mr. Mackey stood with a surprised expression on his face. "M'kay…thank you, Mr. Garrison," he said hesitantly. "Anyway, students, we've called all of you to this assembly because we have a special guest in school today."

A hand instantly went up in the crowd.

"M'kay, do you have a question, Butters?" Mr. Mackey asked.

Butters put his arm down and looked around to see that all eyes were now on him. He clacked his fists together several times. "Uh, well, I was just wonderin'…I heard rumors that the special guest comin' today was a clown."

"A clown?" Mr. Mackey echoed.

"Y-Yeah," Butters shyly confirmed. "Eric told me." He pointed to Cartman, who was idly sitting beside him.

"M'kay, well, that isn't true," Mr. Mackey clarified.

"Oh," Butters said with relief. "Thank goodness, 'cause I'm scared of clowns…with their rainbow hair and their…giant shoes and…scary balloon animals…"

"Fag," Cartman muttered.

"…M'kay, anyway, please give our guest a warm welcome," he said, extending his arm out to the side.

The kids applauded in confusion as a man walked onto the stage. He had spiky dark brown hair, and he wore thick framed glasses. He smiled at the audience as he took the microphone from Mr. Mackey.

"Thank you very much," he said over the applause. "Really, you're too kind. Okay, I'm sure you're all wondering who I am and what I'm doing here today. Well, I'm a professional hypnotist. I travel to places all over the country and hypnotize people for a living."

Most of the students looked intrigued upon learning that this man was a hypnotist. A select few of them, however, looked bored, showing little interest in what the man had to say.

"This is gonna be gay," Kyle whispered to his best friend, Stan.

"Dude, are you kidding?" Stan whispered back. "This sounds cool."

Kyle nearly laughed when he heard him say that. "Stan, please, hypnotism isn't real. It's so obvious that the people being hypnotized are faking it," Kyle said quietly.

"Yeah, any dumbass can see that," Cartman, who just happened to be eavesdropping since he was sitting on the other side of Stan, said in agreement.

"You see? Even the fatass knows it, and he's fucking stupid," Kyle said, not caring at all that Cartman was listening.

"Ay!" Cartman said in a low voice. "Fuck you, Kyle!"

"Okay, I'm going to need two volunteers," the hypnotist said. Hundreds of kids eagerly raised their hands, hoping to be chosen. The hypnotist searched through the crowd of willing participants, when he came across two boys who were keeping their arms crossed. "You right there…with the green hat," he said.

"Me?" Kyle asked skeptically, pointing to himself.

"Yes, what's your name, son?" the hypnotist asked him.

"Kyle," he answered.

"Kyle, why don't you come down here?" the hypnotist suggested, motioning for Kyle to join him on the stage.

"Uh…I don't know…" Kyle said.

"Dude, come on, just do it," Stan encouraged him.

"Yeah, don't be a pussy, Jew," Cartman added.

Kyle reluctantly stood up. "Fine," he said, making his way down to the stage.

"Great," the hypnotist said, and then he looked at the audience again. "What about you…large boy?"

Cartman grimaced at the hypnotist. "Ay, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he asked crossly.

"I'm sorry, son, what's your name?" the hypnotist questioned.

"Why should I tell you, asshole?" Cartman asked, still steaming.

"It's Eric Cartman!" Butters enthusiastically answered for him.

The hypnotist could already tell that Cartman would be difficult to cooperate with. "Well then…would you like to be hypnotized, Eric?"

"No," Cartman replied bluntly.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Just get down here, fatass," he shouted at him.

Cartman cursed under his breath as he walked past the kids and onto the stage. He sat down in the seat next to Kyle's and propped his elbow up on the armrest.

"Alright, are you excited to be hypnotized?" the hypnotist asked, holding out the microphone for Kyle.

"Uh, not really. I mean, no offense, dude, but I think hypnotism is bullshit," Kyle said.

"Yeah, same here," Cartman chimed in. "I've tried stuff with mind control before, and trust me, it doesn't work."

"Well…working with you two should be fun," the hypnotist remarked. "Okay, from now on, I need you guys to follow all of my instructions. First, I want you both to place your feet firmly on the ground. Okay, great, now put your hands, with your palms facing down, on top of your legs."

Cartman and Kyle did as they were told, though they were both secretly wondering what the hell this had to do with being hypnotized.

"Now, this next part is important. I need both of you to look up at the ceiling and focus on one specific spot. That's right, concentrate on it, relax every part of your body, inhale deeply and exhale slowly," the hypnotist repeated the phrases several more times, and as he did this, the audience watched in amazement as Cartman's head suddenly dropped to his chest.

Kyle started to feel his eyelids getting heavier and heavier, and that was the last thing he remembered, before he slipped into unconsciousness as well. This brought the audience to an excited uproar, as they couldn't believe that both Kyle and Cartman were out cold.

"Students, please do not be alarmed," the hypnotist advised. "Although it may _look_ like these two are asleep, they are merely in a dream state of mind, meaning that their imaginations will be working at rapid speeds."

The two boys sank deeper into their chairs, Kyle's head now resting on Cartman's shoulder, both of them breathing in and out at their own separate paces.

"Okay, let's have some fun, shall we? Now, Eric and Kyle, listen to me very carefully. Some jerk just cranked up the thermostat in this room. That's right, the temperature in here is rising fast. It's becoming sweltering, almost unbearable…"

And sure enough, Cartman abruptly lifted up his head, his eyes still shut. Believing that he was, in fact, burning up, he ripped off his hat, his brunette hair looking a mess. He then started unzipping his jacket and peeling it off of his body, showing that he was wearing his favorite teddy bear t-shirt underneath his coat. Kyle, too, suddenly felt like he was on fire, and he quickly sat up and took off his jacket as well, shaking it off until it just fell to the floor.

"Oh, but wait, that same jerk is _still_ messing with the thermostat. He's lowering the temperature now. It's dropping all the way down to 30 degrees…20 degrees…it just keeps getting colder and colder. You boys must be freezing. Quickly, hold onto each other for warmth!" the hypnotist commanded.

Without hesitation, Cartman and Kyle threw their arms around one another, burying their faces in each other's shoulders.

"Dude…you…smell nice," Kyle groggily said to Cartman.

"Thank you," Cartman slurred back. "You too."

"Okay, boys, it's alright, that jerk kid finally stopped screwing with the thermostat. The temperature in here is returning to normal," he informed them. "You can let go now."

They obeyed, allowing themselves to slowly release each other from their embrace. They both slumped back in their seats, into their original positions.

"Excellent, and now I want you to pay close attention to this. When you hear this noise-" the hypnotist stopped mid-sentence and made a clicking noise with his tongue. "-you're gonna feel somebody pinch your butt. That's right, you'll both feel a sharp pain, and the crazy part about it is that you're going to accuse _each other_ of doing it. Okay, boys, are you ready?" The hypnotist asked, and then he made the clicking sound again.

"OW!" Cartman and Kyle both screamed in unison, jumping up from their chairs. Cartman rubbed his behind, trying to soothe the excruciating pain that he believed he had just felt, while Kyle held onto his with both hands.

"Eric, what's wrong, why are you so upset?" the hypnotist asked.

"This son of a bitch pinched my ass!" Cartman yelled, pointing his finger directly at Kyle.

The hypnotist turned to Kyle. "Is that true, Kyle?"

"I didn't fucking pinch his ass!" Kyle retorted. "_He _pinched _mine_!"

"Nuh uh, Jew!" Cartman protested, shaking his head.

"Just stay away from my ass, Cartman!" Kyle warned him furiously.

"Fine," Cartman said. "As long as you stop touching mine!"

"I NEVER FUCKING TOUCHED YOURS!" Kyle snapped.

"Whoa, relax guys," the hypnotist finally broke in. "Look, _I'm _the one who did it, okay?"

Cartman sharply turned his head to the hypnotist. "YOU SICK BASTARD!" he shouted, absolutely appalled.

"I'm sorry," he said, afraid that Cartman would try to get revenge on him if he chose to drag this out any longer. "Please, boys, take a seat." As they did, the hypnotist couldn't help but notice something. "Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but…I get the feeling that you two don't like each other very much. Is that true?"

"Yes!" they both replied at the same time.

"Aww, that's a shame," the hypnotist said with a frown. "But you know what? We're gonna fix that. There's one last thing I'd like for you boys to do today. First, I need you both to look at each other. Very good, now this next part is crucial, I can't stress that enough, you _must_ follow this word of advice…in a matter of seconds, you're going to hear screaming and laughter coming from all of your friends in the audience, but I'm going to ask that you both disregard it, and that you don't stop until I tell you to. Do you both understand?"

They nodded their heads, their gazes still locked onto each other, for they couldn't look away, even if they wanted to.

"Okay…now…I want you boys to…" and the hypnotist took a dramatic pause, teasing every single person in the audience, who were all practically sitting on the edges of their seats, anxiously awaiting to hear what he was about to make them do.

"Kiss."

And just like that, Cartman and Kyle dove toward one another, their lips smashing together in the process. They kissed each other hungrily, Kyle promptly reaching up to put his hands on Cartman's face, while Cartman started pushing his body on Kyle's until he fell into Kyle's chair with him. Kyle welcomed this by moving himself onto Cartman's lap.

All of the kids in the audience were utterly amazed to see this. Some exploded with hysterical laughter, while others just stared at the scene in front of them without making a sound.

"Holy fucking balls!" Kenny howled from his seat.

It really was an unbelievable sight: two sworn enemies…passionately kissing each other against their will.

"Whoa, okay, boys…you can stop now," the hypnotist said.

They immediately pulled away, panting ferociously as they each wiped their mouths with their arms, and Cartman slid back into his own seat.

"Well, now_ that_ was interesting, wasn't it?" the hypnotist asked the audience, who broke into applause. "Okay, Kyle and Eric, I'm gonna ask that you relax yourselves again, that's right, just like that. Now, to my lovely audience, before I wake these two up, I'm obligated to tell you that, once they return to their normal state, they won't have _any_ memory whatsoever of what happened on this stage. So I'd suggest that you refrain from asking them any questions about being hypnotized, because they will have _no_ idea what you're talking about. Now then…awake!"

And with a snap of his fingers, Kyle and Cartman woke up. They stared, dumbfounded, at everyone applauding them, wondering what the hell was going on.

"What the _fuck_?" Cartman asked, rubbing his head.

"Hi there," the hypnotist said. "You boys can head back to your seats now."

Cartman and Kyle scowled at each other as they cautiously stepped down from their chairs. They were both surprised to see their jackets lying on the ground. They bent down to pick them up, quickly putting them back on as they walked to their empty seats by their friends.

Butters didn't take his eyes off of Cartman as he sat down beside him.

"What's _your_ problem?" Cartman asked, noticing Butters' strange look.

"You and Kyle kissed, Eric," Butters said tentatively.

Cartman blinked. "Are you _high_?"

Meanwhile, Kyle took a seat as well. "Dude, what the fuck is going on?" he whispered to Stan.

The initial shock of seeing Kyle and Cartman making out still hadn't completely worn off for Stan. "Uh…" he said, and then he thought, _fuck what the hypnotist said_. "You and Cartman were hypnotized, dude."

Kyle raised an eye brow. "What the _hell_ are you talking about?"

"Holy shit, you really _don't_ remember anything," Stan said, amazed.

"Remember what?" Kyle asked.

Stan just smiled. "Never mind, dude."

"Oh, dude, you wanna hear something fucking weird?" Kyle asked. "My mouth tastes like cheesy poofs, but I_ know _I didn't eat any. I don't even fucking like cheesy poofs!"

"Huh, that _is_ weird, dude," Stan played along.

"They remind me too much of the fatass," Kyle said, glowering at Cartman, who returned the look.

Oh, if only they knew…


End file.
